nothing

Nothing will ever replace smoking. There is a vast emptiness in my life that smoking filled. Now that it's gone, there is nothing.

I am a ridiculous irrelevant piece of trash.

I like a guy but am kind of sure he won't like me. He's cooler than me, which means that he's smarter and more interesting. He is himself, all the time, and I envy that greatly.

I've decided my job is completely soul sucking and destroying very important parts of me. I love it, but it's fucking difficult to remain who I am and do well at my job.

I need money. I need to get my credit better and pay my bills better. I need to be better.

I like this guy. I want to see him and spend time with him. This is strange for me.

I can't tell if he's a gigantic nerd or just really cool. He's a physicist and engineer and plays guitar in a band and lives in a house that isn't quite up to code but he's fixing the electrical.

The problem is I think I'm putting guys and sex into my life in place of the smoking, and that's not good.

But I must say, the sex with the physicist is probably the best I've ever had. Yeah. It's damn good. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

Fuck. I hate most guys who are interested in me. They're not smart enough, interesting enough, etc. Physicist, well, he's funny and smart and interesting and really hot. My life is over. I know exactly where this is going to go. I am going to fall in love and he will break my heart. This is always what happens when I meet guys that actually pique my interest. I get shit on.

Fuck.

I had a funeral for my cigarettes today. I smoked about half of one, put it out, and buried it in the ground with a purple lighter. A little weird, yes, but sometimes closure is necessary to assuage the grief.

I am bored and anxious, waiting for the physicist to call me. He said that he would early in this week. So - today is Sunday, maybe he will call Monday or Tuesday? I don't know. He may realize I'm a sham, a waste of space, a loser, and just never call me again. Fuck.

The reason I say these things is because he is authentic, and I work in politics. Oh yeah. I suck. Maybe he sucks too, I don't know. I am not used to being nervous about a guy generally because none of them are remotely interesting enough for me to worry about.

Well, anyways, gonna listen to some music and read my Andrew Jackson biography. Cheers.