Fat

I think I am officially getting fat.

The rush of smells and tastes is overwhelming, but no matter how many peanuts or grapes I eat, no matter how many beers I drink, I still want a cigarette.

I didn't really get a craving today until I got home from work and began to relax.

Shit.

It's been 5 days. I am heavily invested into this but it's getting more and more difficult. I WANT to smoke. I WANT it. I am not disgusted by it, I'm not tired of it, I don't fucking care right now. All I want is a cigarette.

I am starting to date this guy and I really like him. He's everything I like, tall, handsome, intelligent, funny, nerdy, sexy, etc. He thinks I'm gorgeous, which means he has problems, but whatever, I like him. I told him I don't smoke, that I used to.

And now I have to hold true to that, because I like him.

Motherfucker.

Booze has replaced cigarettes.

I was less depressed today, which is good, but I'm still searching for something to fill the void. I talked to my friend who is giving his kidney away again, and I didn't freak out like I did yesterday. I was able to deal with him possibly dying on me without needing nicotine. I love him to death and really really want him to be ok, but it's not going to make me smoke.

OK, wine is almost gone.

My one consolation is that I don't always smell like cigarettes. I might get fat, but at least I don't smell like smoke.

I am going to go running tomorrow whether I want to or not. I refuse to gain weight, I refuse to become a fat slob.

Fuck me this is difficult.